Friday, August 14, 2009

.: But they call me G-dog?

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Spent the day at the Ramsey Unit in Rosharon, Texas. The guy that normally does our prison outreach was sick so I got the call at 4:30 am. I was told it was a job fair for the short-timers and all I would have to do is sit at a table and give out brochures. Wrong! I had a classroom in the education unit and had to give six fifty-five minute speeches. The warden says, "Just tell them what you do." Oh yeah, that's a great example for felons getting ready to be reintegrated into society. Hi fellas, I'm John. I'm the Men's Housing Boss. When I'm not flipping rooms looking to confiscate contraband and good weed, I'm shaking down guilt ridden old folks who are trying to get into heaven for donations. I also have a Three Card Monty gig on the 3rd of every month, when the SSI checks arrive.

So, as I'm walking in, hearing the locks loudly clicking shut behind me I'm thinking, I could be at the fucking Bean drinking Earl Grey and talking about good carbs with the geezers. But nooo, I had to un-retire and move back to the big city so Miss and I wouldn't kill each other out of boredom and hopefully, I might secure a nice polished rock in one of the cooler sections of hell by working for Sister Rose. The screws didn't even do a cavity search so I could've smuggled in a few cigs and a lighter... By the time it was over 2 guards had to help me to my car as my nicotine level was dangerously low.

The good news was I couldn't bring my cell phone inside (Yippity Yee Haw!) 7 hours with no damn phone calls! The R1 Unit also has an impressive furniture refinishing factory. They refinish and reupholster all the furniture for the Texas State Government. The warden told me anytime we need furniture repaired bring it on down.

The bad news is they were so happy with my presentation they asked me to visit 2 other units next month and come back to R1 on a regular basis to give cognitive intervention lectures. The worse news is the warden called my boss before I did and she thinks it's a wonderful idea. Shit!

Oh well, if I quit goosing the nuns maybe I'll make it all the way to purgatory...

Whenever I visit a jail or prison, I'm always shocked at how nice the guards and staff are. Seems to me that we oughta flip corrections employees with those assholes at the DMV.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

.: Me & My Rollerballs

1) Photobucket
I've always had a thing for pens. A few years back I fell in love with ACME rollerballs. The BEST DAMN writing instrument I've ever used... I quit collecting them last year after receiving three pens (one from each of my youngins' & one from my girlfriend). These three pens gave me a total of 31 ACMEs, one for every day of the month, so I had to quit buying them. I mean enough IS enough.

I always carry two pens, an ACME and a throwaway TUL. If someone needs to borrow a pen, they get the TUL. I don't loan out my babies! Until... yesterday while helping two clubhouse members fill out some paperwork for Social Security I handed over my ACME to Billy when he ran out of ink while he was finishing up and I was just getting started with Lamont. Then the damn phone rings and I need to check a file. On the way back I get caught in the hallway and don't get back to my office for ten minutes. When I get back Billy is gone AND SO IS MY ZORBLE FIVE!

2)Photobucket 3)Photobucket 4)Photobucket 5)Photobucket

So I RUN down to the clubhouse only to discover Billy had signed out for a medical appointment. I RUN over to the Med Room to find out where his appointment is. RUN to my car and head to the right bus-stop only to see it pulling away. I catch up to and pass the bus, pull up to the next bus stop and wait... I got on the bus and YOU BETTER BELIEVE I got MY DAMN PEN BACK!

Don't boost my rollerball, because I WILL hunt you down!
Driving back to work I thought about what had just transpired and realized that I may have a little problem. I wonder if there are support groups for people like me?

Hi, I'm John ...
I'm an ACMEholic

1) Frank Lloyd Wright "Robie House"
2) Frank Lloyd Wright "Playhouse"
3) Marty Kenney "Zorble Five"
4) Rod Dyer "Jazz"
5) Antoni Gaudi "Mosaic"
6) Jerry Leibowitz "Writing"

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

.: About The Host


Capricorn... and my name is Johnny.

I love an athletic woman. Preferably a woman more educated than myself, with small symmetrical pedicured feet and an ass that says "Who da fuck is JLo?" A woman who enjoys a little kink... okay... a lot of kink. She's into "the bizarre" has an appreciation for buffoonery as well as sharing my affinity for the absurd.

I love just sitting on the deck at the beach house, washing down a few fentanyls with an ice cold Dr Pepper and numbingly strumming some VU , while watching my greased up lady frying in the midday sun.

I'm into making nuns blush and teaching my young nieces and nephews how to play poker... with their allowance.

I enjoy the sound of RoJo on the stereo, the feel of an ACME pen in my hand, a freshly dry cleaned Nat Nast shirt on my back and the way the supple glove leather of my chair feels against my freshly shaved testicles when I'm air-drying after a shower.

In the morning when I first wake up, I like to lay in bed for awhile just savoring the sweet stale mingled aroma of sweaty sex, wine, weed and her perfume, but not for too long because it's morning and I really, really need to pee.

I firmly believe that most beautiful moments in life, not involving lubricants or dungeon equipment, are compliments of Mother Nature. Moments like being on the beach at sunset, barefoot in the sand hearing nothing but the wind, the gulls and that rhythmic pounding of the surf while walking hand in hand with that special lady you're preparing to defile. Beautiful moments like... the sight of a roach flopping wildly onto it's back after being expertly spritzed. Oooh yeah.

I consider myself truly blessed that my sweet Melistress is such a good sport. After losing the "Stepford Bet" and having to do "ANYTHING I wanted," she forgave me for having her seductively rub canned dog food all over her bikini clad body and dance her lovely ass off while I played a boogie on my Strat and turned the pups* loose on her during the bridge.

It's moments like "Ken-L-Ration Boogie" that truly make life worth living!

The only thing that makes me feel more alive than reading the obituaries is sitting in the front yard with Melissa's hair drying and pointing it at passing cars.

I'm a widower who lost my wife when we were 28. I have 2 amazing children, Ry and Hurricane K (boy & girl, 18 mos. apart) and after their mom died they got stuck with the job of raising me. I Met my girlfriend/best friend Melistress/Miss Anthropic when the kids were in high school. We got hitched in Vegas, but she prefers to be called my girlfriend (men take their wives for granted).

Made my bones as a restaurateur, real-estate developer and was able to retire a few years ago. My retirement didn't go to well, so Melistress and I moved back so she could go back to work as an ER nurse. She works in one of the countries busiest ERs and LOVES the action. I volunteered to work for a charitable non-profit and it's turned into a full-time job.

I love my new job almost as much as I love ellipses... regardless of how they're supposed to be used... and, I'm really, really, into comas. I use them, all the time. I also have a large collection of orange traffic cones and have become very good at rerouting traffic.

Okay, enough about my sorry ass. Let's talk about the reason you're reading this drivel. This lame excuse for a blog. I’m calling it "Sono Annoiato" which is Italian, or as Miss likes to say, "Dagoese" for I am bored. The description "ad absurdum" is Latin for To the point of absurdity.

I started this blog because my therapist promised me it would quiet the voices and because I was bored and needed a place to dump my favorite links. If you've mistakenly found me here, you’ll find music, art, general weirdness, spasmodic naughtiness, occasional political pontifications (I'm a Libertarian) and other crap that interests me. If you're bored perhaps you'll find something on my blogroll that interests you.