Friday, August 14, 2009

.: But they call me G-dog?

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Spent the day at the Ramsey Unit in Rosharon, Texas. The guy that normally does our prison outreach was sick so I got the call at 4:30 am. I was told it was a job fair for the short-timers and all I would have to do is sit at a table and give out brochures. Wrong! I had a classroom in the education unit and had to give six fifty-five minute speeches. The warden says, "Just tell them what you do." Oh yeah, that's a great example for felons getting ready to be reintegrated into society. Hi fellas, I'm John. I'm the Men's Housing Boss. When I'm not flipping rooms looking to confiscate contraband and good weed, I'm shaking down guilt ridden old folks who are trying to get into heaven for donations. I also have a Three Card Monty gig on the 3rd of every month, when the SSI checks arrive.

So, as I'm walking in, hearing the locks loudly clicking shut behind me I'm thinking, I could be at the fucking Bean drinking Earl Grey and talking about good carbs with the geezers. But nooo, I had to un-retire and move back to the big city so Miss and I wouldn't kill each other out of boredom and hopefully, I might secure a nice polished rock in one of the cooler sections of hell by working for Sister Rose. The screws didn't even do a cavity search so I could've smuggled in a few cigs and a lighter... By the time it was over 2 guards had to help me to my car as my nicotine level was dangerously low.

The good news was I couldn't bring my cell phone inside (Yippity Yee Haw!) 7 hours with no damn phone calls! The R1 Unit also has an impressive furniture refinishing factory. They refinish and reupholster all the furniture for the Texas State Government. The warden told me anytime we need furniture repaired bring it on down.

The bad news is they were so happy with my presentation they asked me to visit 2 other units next month and come back to R1 on a regular basis to give cognitive intervention lectures. The worse news is the warden called my boss before I did and she thinks it's a wonderful idea. Shit!

Oh well, if I quit goosing the nuns maybe I'll make it all the way to purgatory...

Whenever I visit a jail or prison, I'm always shocked at how nice the guards and staff are. Seems to me that we oughta flip corrections employees with those assholes at the DMV.